Involving Others in Caregiving

When you are providing care for an older parent, the more help you can receive, the better. Involving others provides a broader base of support for parents, as well as relieving adult children of some of the tasks and stresses that caregiving entails. The more help you get and the better equipped you are to stay involved for the long haul.

What You Should Know
Surveys show that most caregivers do have help. Like so much of caregiving, however, getting help and using it productively involves people skills. While family members are not the only ones who can assist, working with them constructively can be a particular challenge. In times of stress, we often have less to give to each other. Old family roles and resentments can surface. The information presented here offers ideas to help families overcome barriers to cooperation and create the supportive network they and their parents need.

In most families, one person assumes the role of primary caregiver because he or she is closest geographically, closer to the parent emotionally, and a take-charge person

Involving parents in decisions about their care
Unless your parents are severely mentally incapacitated, such as with advanced Alzheimer's disease, they should always retain decision-making power and be a central part of all discussions and actions surrounding their care. It can be difficult for children to find solutions that their parents find acceptable.

Determining whom to involve
Immediate family and close friends are obvious choices. More distant relatives, less close friends, neighbors, and community organizations can also provide support. Suggest that these people help in small ways, such as walking the dog, running an errand, watering the lawn and garden.

Feeling reluctant to ask for help
You might hesitate to ask your sibling for help, fearing he or she will refuse and that confrontation will harm your relationship. Your husband/wife is already fixing more meals at home, doing more with the children, and having less of a social life because of your responsibilities. You don't even know your parent's friends. How can you ask them for help? These feelings are natural and, in some cases, you may be right to hold back. However, some people may need only a little encouragement to take on a task. Others may feel hurt or left out if you don't ask for their help.

Dealing with changed relationships
Taking care of a parent can affect all your relationships. You may be more involved with brothers and sisters who previously may have been at the fringes of your life. Your spouse and children may feel neglected. Any existing tension in your marriage is likely to increase. Colleagues at your job may provide a diversion from caregiving. Even if they are sympathetic to your added demands, they still need your work on time.

Joining the "sandwich generation"
When you have both older parents and children who need your time and attention, you may feel caught in the middle and pulled from both sides with conflicting demands. There's little chance to do any task as well as you'd like. There's no time left for you. This increasingly common situation can leave you feeling guilty and inadequate, yet it may not occur to you to ask for help with any of your responsibilities.

Getting Help
Getting help for caregiving is one of the most important jobs you will tackle. Here are some steps you can take to make the job manageable.

1. Talk with your parents about the importance of working together in meeting their needs. Your parents are probably concerned about being a burden and losing control of their lives. Talk openly about the issues and agree on ground rules, including establishing your own limits so parents won't have unrealistic expectations.

2. Make a list of what needs to be done and plan for it. Your parents and others who will take on key responsibilities should be involved in planning. This organized approach reduces the stress that comes from "loose ends." It ensures that your parents get all the assistance they need. Back-up plans, where possible, are a good idea. In fact, being available for back-up duty is a valuable role someone may be willing to play. Be sure to write down your plans and schedules, and give all those involved a copy.

3. Don't accept excuses for not helping without suggesting other tasks a person could do. A sibling who lives far away can still help with jobs such as paying bills, talking with doctors, researching local agencies, or initiating regular phone visits. People with child care responsibilities can still cook meals occasionally, bring the children for visits as appropriate, and take Mom or Dad on errands with the children in tow. Children could also help occasionally with tasks appropriate to their ages.

4. Contact community and other nonfamily sources of help. Determining who could do what tasks could be a joint effort among those involved in helping the older persons.

· Ask a friend of your parent to pick up groceries or get books from the library.

· A neighbor's child might visit after school.

· A local teenager might be available to do yard work.

· Those your parent sees often (paper delivery person, barber/beautician, apartment superintendent) could call you if anything seems wrong.

· Your friends can provide backup childcare or transportation when you need to be with your parent.

· Is there a group of people in similar situations? Perhaps you could start a cooperative arrangement in which you share mutual tasks, such as information gathering and coping strategies.

Hold family meetings as needed to keep everyone involved in providing care.

· Every few months, reassess your parents' situation.

· Develop a series of questions and concerns such as health, legal, economic, or housing issues. Include problems that may have occurred in giving or getting help and following the schedule.

· Bring up anything new that has arisen since the last meeting. Discussing such issues openly avoids hurt feelings and suspicions and gets problems solved.

· Limit participation to siblings or others directly involved in care. Let people who cannot attend in person participate by phone.

· Choose a neutral party to moderate, if necessary, to keep meetings constructive.

· Have a clear agenda for each meeting and agree on rules of conduct at the outset.

· Avoid arguing. Stick to facts, not opinions or generalities. Don't try to resolve old family wounds.

· Focus on the task of taking care of the parent.

Involve your spouse and clarify responsibilities concerning both sets of parents.

· Do you each take care of only your own parents or help with each other's parents?

· Will each spouse go with the other on visits to parents?

· Will your spouse support you emotionally through the caregiving process?

· Be specific about how your spouse can help. Suggest particular tasks you need done. Thank him or her for all efforts.

· Encourage your spouse to talk about his or her feelings, recognizing that your caregiving responsibilities also affect your spouse in a major way.

· Keep your marriage a priority and make time to be together.

· Involve your children, be honest with your children about the situation, and answer their questions.

· Take time to listen to their concerns.

· Spend time doing something fun with them, no matter how tight the time is.

· Ask them if they'd like to help out with your parents sometimes. Even a toddler can make Grandma feel loved.

· Teenagers may drive their grandparents to the store or on other errands.